don't get me wrong, vacations are really, really great. and i needed a vacation, you know? i needed to quit my job and go on a week long vacation--on the water!!--without worrying about anything and knowing that when I return I'll be starting a new job that i'm excited (terrified) about.

that's what i needed.

but also. while i was out there, i couldn't help but feel like i just needed my own bed, and my own space, and my own friends, and a little break from my neurotic self-analysis.

but how do you get a break from your own head?


no amount of distance can give you that.





anyway, i'm back and i'm tan and i really did have a wonderful time, and now i'm going to stress over what i'm going to wear on my first day because worrying about frivolous things like that is easier than worrying about potentially having just made a horrible decision or failing and realizing i've wasted my last 5 years in school on something i am not cut out for.

so my question to you is..... how do you feel about coral and black?

on being happy now

i went on a few more hikes this weekend. but, i mean, are you surprised?

i'm going to be perfectly honest with you when i tell you about my experience this weekend.

not the experience of discovering our copy of coco before the chanel was in french, or how that made it all the more beautiful. not the experience of seeing deer in their natural habitat and almost getting eaten by a cougar. not even the experience of trying to hug my visiting teach-ee and stepping on her toe and tripping over her rug and being that most awkward toucher that i am.

after all of that.

i found myself lying in bed, watching jersey shore. (judge me, i deserve it.)

and i looked at the clock. it was approximately 6:15 pm.

and i thought to myself i wish it were 4 hours later so i could just go to bed.

is that the worst thing you've ever heard?! i couldn't find one thing in this world that would be more interesting to do with the next 4 hours of my life than watching jersey shore, racking a reality-show-head-ache, and counting down the minutes until it would be socially acceptable to go to bed.

as soon as i had this thought, i hated myself. i chastised myself. how dare you! there are beautiful mountains to explore, drives to embark upon, people to meet! you'll never have these next 4 hours of your life again, and you just want to SKIP them!?

that's when i realized. this whole time, i've been living my life under the mentality of "i'll be happy when..." when... i move out. i have more friends. i have a boyfriend. i have children. blabitty blabitty blah.

the other day, i was discussing with a friend how i've always had something to be sad about. i've always looked forward to the next chapter in my life. and i've ALWAYS looked backwards and thought "i really miss those days."

i'm working on pinpointing the parts of my life now that i'll miss later on. that i'll look back on and think "that was fun" or "why didn't i take advantage of that?" or "if only i could go back to that time." if i can identify them now, then i won't be disappointed later that i didn't fully appreciate what i had.

i won't feel like "i'll be happy when..." instead, i'm trying live my life with the mentality that "i'll be happy now."

so i picked up my lazy ass and went on a night hike with some friends. and it was freezing and not totally worth the drive, but it was adventurous and it obviously beats jersey shore.

life lately (picture overload)

a few months ago, i went to moab with my dad. 

we went hiking, rafting, and hieroglyph sighting.

it was awesome.

fall is my favorite season, but it's cut short in utah by long summers and longer winters.

i have made sure to soak it up all i can by going on a million hikes.

i'm obsessed!

can you even believe i live here?!

(pictures from three separate hikes.)

of course, i've been working. a lot.

i really like my job. i like everyone i work with, and i get to work with kade!

but we get bored... so we doodle and have orange peeling contests.

as always, food has played a pretty important role in my life these days.

and! i was at cafe rio the other day, and a worker brought me a tres leches; my fave!

i said "i didn't order this?"

and she said "someone asked me to give it to you."

it was the most random and awesome thing that's happened to me!

(if you have information on this anonymous giver of cake, please send your tips to the comments section of this post.)

and, of course, for your viewing pleasure,

here's my god-babe, cutest kid you ever did SEE.

This post was to prove that my life isn't as cryptic and depressing as the rest of my blog is.

Regular posting to resume... now.

this was my bedroom.

our renters painted it white.

as i walked down the hall toward the open door, i thought "i don't even recognize this room. this isn't really even my room anymore."

but then, i walked in, and the smell...

the smell.

it smells the same. after a year of me being gone, and a stranger inhabiting my space, my room still smells the same.

it's like the 9 years of life that i spent in that room have made their place there. the memories have seeped into the walls, settled themselves into the corners.

it smells a little like sun-warmed carpet, clean sheets, and notebook paper.

you'd think that i'd spend my time dwelling on the big things that happened in that room. the tears and the sex and the drugs.

but the first thing i thought of was sitting on the edge of my bed and facing my window, shutters open, window cracked, feeling the mixed sensation of the warm sun streaming through the glass and the cool breeze sneaking through the screen. not feeling any particular emotion or thinking any particular thought or looking in any particular direction. just sitting, and being.

and then i thought of laying of the floor, belly down, pen in mouth, reading my american history book.

and then i thought of standing around with my friends, and molly acting like a political adviser as my dog stood at the window, looking very presidential indeed.

and then i thought of early mornings styling my hair, and late nights jumping on my bed to the beat of "mmmbop" and the glow of my lava lamp while drifting off to sleep.

the time that i spent in my room was probably the most significant time in my life. because it was my in-between time, my alone time. the time where i was just completely myself, because no one was watching me. that's where i got ready, wound-down, cried, laughed, wrote, and just was. felt the breeze and the sun and left myself completely in the moment because i didn't have anything to think about or do.

those are the memories i have in my room.

and as i left the house, i realized that... i wasn't as sad as i thought i would be. driving away from the place that knew me best, knowing i would never go there again.

and the fact that i wasn't sad made me sad. i knew that i was moving on from a significant time in my life.

that's always hard, you know?

i wanna be, wanna be, wanna be jim morrison

I spent $45 at DI the other day.

Yes, I have a problem.

But I wanted to do a picture frame project, and then I found some shoes, and then some glorious pillows! AND THEN... the call of the outdoor section was too strong, and i found myself toting around some very hideous chairs that I tried -- guys, I TRIED -- to resist the call of, but their power was too strong and.

anyway.

Mallory couldn't believe it. 

"Aren't they beautiful?"

"........no."

But I had vision. And here they are today:

Unfortunately I didn't really invest myself in trying to get fancy with my iPhotography.. sorry for the shitty quality.

BUT! Cute, right?

They don't actually really fit in my apartment, so things are starting to feel a little cramped. Damn me and my need to save beautiful, unwanted furniture!

Also, my walls are so drab. And I'm renting, so I can't really do anything about it.

But I saw shiny duct tape at WalMart and I KNEW there had to be a use for it.

Chevron wall treatment!

This picture doesn't do it justice. It also doesn't convey the amount of time and tears that went into this project. I was going to do chevron down the walls, which then turned into huge diamonds down the walls, but due to a lack of rulers in my house, it was just a hot mess that drove my OCD insane. I left a half-finished disaster up for a few days and just avoided that part of my house. Too stressful.

Finally, during a much-needed post-finals night alone, I buckled down and just did it. I had to use a note pad for measurements and a steak knife for cutting (my scissors really hate duct tape.) It's not absolutely perfect, but it's miles better than my first few attempts, and it really adds dimension to the room.

or some other cliche interior designer thing.

summer playlist

super ready to ride bikes and roll down the windows and live in a swimming suit. can't wait to see the beach!

we used to be friends - the dandy warhols
she said, she said - the black keys
punching in a dream - the naked and famous
bodysnatchers - radiohead
vibrations - javelin
help, i'm alive - metric


some other sunny playlists

does any one else's heart just hurt of baby-less-ness?
i may invest in a puppy sometime soon...

this weekend was a productive one.

i ran this race, then went to this pub, to see this band, and watch this game.

even though i did some really fun things, by the end of the weekend, i was itching to get home and just be.

i'm seriously getting old.

this is what my day looked like today

and it was really really really really great.

Mason Scott Adams 

Thursday, January 19th

i love this little dude. we've been hangin' out for, like, 9 months, but i've never actually met him until today. (you know that feeling?) and he's way more awesome than i ever could have imagined. he's so sweet and super strong, he has a ton of personality for only being a few hours old! i'm so excited to watch this little guy grow up. he has amazing parents and a great support system around him. i hope he understands how much he is loved. 

mason, dude, welcome to earth!

this is a(n extra extra long) story about how my table came to be.

this sweet thing is my new baby. 

it's the only thing i wanted (besides my apartment, which i'm getting into this weekend. merry christmas to me!!!!!!) and i couldn't be more ecstatic. 

but. here's the thing. 

i don't really play that well. 

correction - i don't really play. 

i can pluck out house of the rising sun by the animals and wonder wall by oasis (because i'm pretty sure it's a requisite to learning the guitar) and that's pretty much it. 

but my one and only love in life is music. hearing music and having music and making music and being music. it's just what i do. 

not in front of people. i'm not my sister, mind you. 

anyway, i miss the piano. every day, as i lay my body to rest, my fingers ache of loneliness. but since i'm in the nomadic phase of my life, slash since my new little apartment is barely big enough for just me and all my shit,* slash since i'm way poor, a piano is just out of the picture for me for the next little while. 

but my body must make music, so my cousin, who is amazinnnngggg at the guitar, is going to start giving me lessons so i don't have to just play adele's someone like you over and over and over. 

anyway. 

that's what i got for christmas. thank you, santa. 

*moving, which involves packing and lugging and lifting, etc., always makes me realize how much freaking shit i have. really?! 

**in other news, a few of my friends have recently gotten married and have non-returnable extras of almost everything , so i am the proud owner of a new griddle, spice rack, and silverware set. thank god for utah and terribly young marriages, right?

monday playlist. it's my blog, i do what i want.

this weekend, my sister and i drove out to colorado for some family festivities. unfortunately, the instant we arrived, death befell my very soul and i spent the majority of the weekend in bed or in the bath (random side note--don't most tubs have a slanted back so you can recline? not my parents. straight up and down. miserable.)

we were able to make hot chocolate and eat soup and watch christmas movies, however, so i think it was still a fine weekend.

here's a little playlist to get you jazzed for the christmas season!!

i want a hippopotamus for christmas - gayla peevey
white christmas - the drifters
the christmas song - nat king cole
have yourself a merry little christmas - frank sinatra
sleigh ride - the ronettes

photo credit: me
my mom collects these totally creepy elves
that are design-y, i guess,
but they're scary.
also they're 50 bucks each, so...

baby shower

my favorite lady, mersadee ann clayburn adams, is having a baby soon. i am so incredibly excited. everywhere i go, i see baby things and i just have to get them. (like these i got him for christmas. is your heart aching of adorable-ness?!) baby mason is going to be so spoiled by his aunt michal.

anyway, my second favorite lady, paige, is amazingly creative and inspired and threw the most adorable work-and-ward baby shower. i want to say i was responsible for this darling soiree, but i just swept the floors and set out the food.

is it not the funnest thing you ever did see? i know you're jealous. mason is so lucky to be born into a family of such amazing people, and i'm lucky to be along for the ride.

things i love most (according to my iphone)

1. bowser
2. my brother daniel, who dressed up as michael jackson for halloween, which makes me love him even more
3. my brother sam, who (obviously) kills it with the ladies
4. delcious food


honorable mentions (that i don't have pictures of on my phone) include:
mersadee ann clayburn adams-and mason
my car
rustic nail polish
fresh fruit
my parents
and (duh!!) my phone

on high school

i hated it.


i was anti-participatory.

and now kind of regret it.

so i live vicariously through people who rock at high school, like my cousin collin, who won the sir knight pageant.

not my most flattering photo,
but it's the most recent one i've got.

this seems silly, right?

i don't really drink coffee anymore.

i've read that it prevents your body from absorbing as much water as it should.

but today is a dreary, grey, perfect rainy day. i just want to bundle up in an oversized sweater and read while the fire crackles and the rain drops drum, fat and lazy, on the window.


and since i'm stuck at the office all day, a steamy cup of coffee will just have to do.

ps, speaking of fall and things,
i made pumpkin cinnamon spice pancakes this weekend.
i made up the recipe.

and they were damn good.

on self portraits

road trip

this weekend, my kid sister and i took a little road trip to surprise our parents and brothers in grand junction, co. we had the most fantastic time! we spent our hours in the car blasting music and soaking in the goodness of fall, and our family time shopping, eating out, and roaming the streets of a city-wide fall festival (which was really artsy and local; i love grand junction!)



it was such a fun little getaway; i want to take advantage of this beautiful time of year by road tripping as much as i can. who's in?