water

reposted from my old blog. originally written 03/10/11
post script: i'm a pisces. which... supplements the idea in this post.

i love the way that water makes me feel.

drinking. spilling down my throat, flowing through my body, supplying a new kind of energy.
showering. running down my back, cleansing my pores, revitalizing my demeanor.
swimming. pushing against my muscles, pulling at my hair, encouraging my goals.
being. crashing against my abdomen, stinging my eyes, swirling around my feet.

i once had a very deep and personal conversation with someone about elements. you know, earth, wind, fire, water. and how everyone has their own element. the way they act and react, the place they feel most comfortable and uncomfortable, and who they are and want to be.

and i am water.

and she is wind.

we have our reasons.


that being said, i've been trying to understand myself. why and who and what i am. and why and who and what i've been lately.

and i realized something.

you don't see much water in winter. it snows instead of rains, ices instead of flows. you can't swim or wade or boat in the winter. water doesn't belong in the cold.

i don't belong in the cold.

which explains why today, when the sun came out, and the snow melted to tiny rivers of cool water, i changed. i felt my body, mind, and spirit physically change. i felt inspired, motivated... happy.

i haven't felt like that in a while.

since, oh, the beginning of winter.

so i know i've posted ten million frivilous posts about how "i LOVE spring," but seriously.

i love spring.

it's when i come back to life. reintroduce myself to the world. melt out of my standstill and remember who i am and where im going.


and as i float along, i know i'll get there soon.

crazy heart

re-posted from my old blog. originally posted on 07/27/2010


science compares our brains to a group of filing cabinets. we have things that we gather throughout the day that pile up on the desk for filing, and once our body falls asleep, our brain goes to work sorting and organizing everything into it's proper area, and when we awake, our brain is freshly cleaned and ready for the day.

i don't think that my mind is made up of a series of compartments like they say. i think my mind is made up of one giant river, and occasional ponds into which the river feeds. anything that's in my brain swirls around in a mass of unorganized pieces of information and opinion, which occasionally find their way into their designated pond.

sometimes, things fall into the wrong pond. for example, my opinion of such and such a person accidentally falls under "love interest" when it should fall under "avoid at all cost." the two ponds are much the same, you know, and the feelings get all confused.

and so on and so on.

and so it goes that everything i know and think and feel is largely unorganized, and the problem continues to amass so long as i don't consciously go in and sort through the mess. one as lazy as i, however, can't be bothered to untangle "religious beliefs" and "political views," or unloose hidden experiences that have been lodged behind submersed trees, or delve into each pond to remove misplaced items.

it sounds exhausting.

sometimes i wish my river could just be flushed. it could all just go away, and i could start anew. i would, of course, wish to keep certain ponds in tact, like "memories" or "how to..." so i still know where i live and how to tie my shoes. but everything else is unnecessary. and it's cluttering my mind.

if only i had a mental good will box for the things i just don't want anymore.

[blank]

reposted from my old blog. originally posted 01/06/2010

post-edit: this was written about two months before some very serious tumults in my family life sent me on a downwards trajectory toward a horrible relationship and a life of drugs. we ought to listen to our own perceptions... we're smarter than we think.





i have nothing to say.

that is to say, i have so much to say, and no way to say it.

or maybe no desire to say it.

or maybe a combination of the three.

my whole body feels as though it's been thrown into a current. my stomache is churning, my arms are flailing, my head is spinning. i literally feel like i'm drowning.

drowning in what? i have no idea. school, boys, work, room mates, family... maybe. but i've always dealt with some, or all, of these things, and it makes no sense why it would all overwhelm me now.

my life is no different. yet i feel so, so different.

you know how some people can sense when it's going to rain? they have a throbbing in their arm, or creaky knees.

well, i feel as though it's about to rain. i mean, i think i'm in the middle of a crucial time in my life. like something desperately important is about to happen. i can physically sense the beginning of something monumental.

but what is it? what's going to happen? and why right now? why now, when i feel like i don't have two seconds to breathe, to think, to cope?

am i crazy? am i making any sense at all?

i'm sorry i've been slacking. i rarely check this area of my little spot on the web, and when i do, i just throw up a picture with a lyric or quote or pathetic attempt at poetic verse.

it's just that... i have nothing to say.

i'll find something, soon, i promise. because i know that when it rains, or rather, pours, i'll need you. you, the abyss, the place where i throw all my wandering thoughts and feelings so i don't have to dump them on someone's unwilling ear, have become my umbrella, my light, and my galoshes in the most treacherous of storms.

for now, i'm bracing myself for the torrent. i pray it just comes soon.

reposted from  my old blog. originally posted on 08/10/2009


today, i had a talk with my grandpa.

he told me all about life on the farm, and his first job, 

and how he felt when BYU asked him to teach for them. 

i find it all so interesting. 

i'm so very close with my grandpa, 

and everyday is a step closer to a very, very long physical separation. 

it's hard for me to see. 

i'm trying to soak up every word he says. so wise. so loving. 

he has been the main influence of what a good man
-a patient, respectful, worthy priesthood holder-
is and should always be.

i'm afraid that my hope for humanity and goodness will die with him.

i love him so much that it makes me cry to see him struggle to stand, 
strain to hear, and beg for us to let him do it on his own. 

just like a child. 

the thing is, i know that he can do it on his own. 
if anyone can do anything, it's my grandpa. 
but if there is one thing i've learned from him, it's that

you can always do it on your own;
you just should never have to.

saeglópur

reposted from my old blog. originally posted on 08/03/2009


sometimes i experience an interesting sensation
where i don't realize that i have gotten from one physical point
to another.

be it when driving, walking, riding on a train...
sometimes, i cannot remember the past ten, twenty, forty-five seconds of my journey.

i think it is the literal meaning of "losing yourself."
i become so enthralled with my thoughts, feelings, problems, excitment, that i lose track of my physical self for a while.

and, when i come to, i am nearly shocked that i am living.
for, how could i possibly have not run into any trouble
when i'm not paying any mind to myself?
clearly some outside power has guided me
through these times of momentary lapses of consciousness.

i experienced this for a moment today.
i couldn't, for the life of me, recall how i went from point a to point b.

and i realized that this has happened to me in life.
i can't recall how i got from point a, where ever that may be,
to point b, where ever i am now.

and how i've survived, i have no clue.
but survive i have,
and i will continue to survive so long as some outer source
see's fit that i do so.

i just hope i don't spend so much time
dreaming and thinking and feeling
that i lose my physical self altogether.
because i rather enjoy experiencing the little things in life
that my body allows me to experience.


that's enough thinking for today.
i'm going to bed.

Did you know?

reposted from my old blog. originally posted on 01/28/2009

Around the world 
Children are starving. Wives are bleeding. Countries are failing.
Parents are greiving.
Soldiers are dying. People are freezing.

Just today 
You walked past a widow. You walked past an orphan.
You walked past an impoverished parent.
You walked past a troubled mind, a worried soul, a broken heart.

What did you do?

You worried about your midterm.

You griped about your friends.

You cried about your boyfriend.

You vocalized your hunger.

You complained about your weight.

You just kept walking.

So what's this about? 
It's about love.
It's about finding who you are.

It's about discovering the deeper meaning.

It's about utilizing patience.

It's about passion.

It's about realizing the worth of each stranger.
It's about speaking softly.

It's about listening.

It's about freedom.

It's about individuality.

It's about service.

It's about gratitude.
It's about doing something.
It's about being someone.

Stop walking.
Stop talking.
Start acting.