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reposted from my old blog. originally posted 01/06/2010

post-edit: this was written about two months before some very serious tumults in my family life sent me on a downwards trajectory toward a horrible relationship and a life of drugs. we ought to listen to our own perceptions... we're smarter than we think.





i have nothing to say.

that is to say, i have so much to say, and no way to say it.

or maybe no desire to say it.

or maybe a combination of the three.

my whole body feels as though it's been thrown into a current. my stomache is churning, my arms are flailing, my head is spinning. i literally feel like i'm drowning.

drowning in what? i have no idea. school, boys, work, room mates, family... maybe. but i've always dealt with some, or all, of these things, and it makes no sense why it would all overwhelm me now.

my life is no different. yet i feel so, so different.

you know how some people can sense when it's going to rain? they have a throbbing in their arm, or creaky knees.

well, i feel as though it's about to rain. i mean, i think i'm in the middle of a crucial time in my life. like something desperately important is about to happen. i can physically sense the beginning of something monumental.

but what is it? what's going to happen? and why right now? why now, when i feel like i don't have two seconds to breathe, to think, to cope?

am i crazy? am i making any sense at all?

i'm sorry i've been slacking. i rarely check this area of my little spot on the web, and when i do, i just throw up a picture with a lyric or quote or pathetic attempt at poetic verse.

it's just that... i have nothing to say.

i'll find something, soon, i promise. because i know that when it rains, or rather, pours, i'll need you. you, the abyss, the place where i throw all my wandering thoughts and feelings so i don't have to dump them on someone's unwilling ear, have become my umbrella, my light, and my galoshes in the most treacherous of storms.

for now, i'm bracing myself for the torrent. i pray it just comes soon.