crazy heart

re-posted from my old blog. originally posted on 07/27/2010


science compares our brains to a group of filing cabinets. we have things that we gather throughout the day that pile up on the desk for filing, and once our body falls asleep, our brain goes to work sorting and organizing everything into it's proper area, and when we awake, our brain is freshly cleaned and ready for the day.

i don't think that my mind is made up of a series of compartments like they say. i think my mind is made up of one giant river, and occasional ponds into which the river feeds. anything that's in my brain swirls around in a mass of unorganized pieces of information and opinion, which occasionally find their way into their designated pond.

sometimes, things fall into the wrong pond. for example, my opinion of such and such a person accidentally falls under "love interest" when it should fall under "avoid at all cost." the two ponds are much the same, you know, and the feelings get all confused.

and so on and so on.

and so it goes that everything i know and think and feel is largely unorganized, and the problem continues to amass so long as i don't consciously go in and sort through the mess. one as lazy as i, however, can't be bothered to untangle "religious beliefs" and "political views," or unloose hidden experiences that have been lodged behind submersed trees, or delve into each pond to remove misplaced items.

it sounds exhausting.

sometimes i wish my river could just be flushed. it could all just go away, and i could start anew. i would, of course, wish to keep certain ponds in tact, like "memories" or "how to..." so i still know where i live and how to tie my shoes. but everything else is unnecessary. and it's cluttering my mind.

if only i had a mental good will box for the things i just don't want anymore.