necessity of necessity

i stared helplessly at the neatly folded t-shirts in my drawer. i had nothing left to do.

i had sorted through every last belonging of mine, throwing some things out, stashing others in a large sack for charity, and finding permanent homes for the rest. my linen shelves were methodically organized, towels and sheets in their proper places. my bureau drawers were cleaned out and tidily arranged. the gift wrapping supplies and extra boxes in my coat closet was sorted and tucked away. i had rearranged my dish cabinets 3 times and replaced picture frames, pillows, and furniture. the vacuum had run it's usual course through the apartment several times that week. even the rugs were freshly shaken and cushions recently fluffed.

i'd started spending more time at my aunt's house. she was hopelessly busy and lived in a state of cheerful chaos at all times. i busied myself with video projects and excess laundry, piles of dishes and dirty windows. i worked my way through the family, curling hair and applying make-up, trailing behind and holding extra clothing during family pictures.

i found friends with tired bodies and precious children to babysit for, neighbors struggling to prepare for extended vacations, co-workers with impossible love lives.

the time eventually came that i was not needed.

i had nothing to do. i had nothing that needed to be done, and no one that needed me.


i hadn't heard from my sister in weeks.

i had caught her tucking away pictures of dresses, rings, and flowers. it seemed "a year" was no longer the plan, and she hadn't breathed a word of it to me.

she usually didn't talk to me when she was happy. she didn't need me when she was happy.


i hadn't heard from the rest of my family much, either, except for the occasional text message from my mom. she was working double-shifts at the diner and i could hear in her voice that she was exhausted, but more content than she had been in a while. she needed the job at the diner.

but she didn't need me.


not even my office needed me. they knew it, i knew it, my co-workers knew it. i wasn't valuable to the company, which made me less motivated, pushing my necessity further down the scale. i was filling space, and occasional conversation, and that was about it.


tracing my hands over the folds of clothing in the drawer, my mind drifted to a time when i was needed. wanted. thought-of, at the very least.

it wasn't a pleasant experience.


yet, here i was, feeling unneeded and wishing someone would call me with a crisis so i could feel some type of purpose once again.

via