on being happy now

i went on a few more hikes this weekend. but, i mean, are you surprised?

i'm going to be perfectly honest with you when i tell you about my experience this weekend.

not the experience of discovering our copy of coco before the chanel was in french, or how that made it all the more beautiful. not the experience of seeing deer in their natural habitat and almost getting eaten by a cougar. not even the experience of trying to hug my visiting teach-ee and stepping on her toe and tripping over her rug and being that most awkward toucher that i am.

after all of that.

i found myself lying in bed, watching jersey shore. (judge me, i deserve it.)

and i looked at the clock. it was approximately 6:15 pm.

and i thought to myself i wish it were 4 hours later so i could just go to bed.

is that the worst thing you've ever heard?! i couldn't find one thing in this world that would be more interesting to do with the next 4 hours of my life than watching jersey shore, racking a reality-show-head-ache, and counting down the minutes until it would be socially acceptable to go to bed.

as soon as i had this thought, i hated myself. i chastised myself. how dare you! there are beautiful mountains to explore, drives to embark upon, people to meet! you'll never have these next 4 hours of your life again, and you just want to SKIP them!?

that's when i realized. this whole time, i've been living my life under the mentality of "i'll be happy when..." when... i move out. i have more friends. i have a boyfriend. i have children. blabitty blabitty blah.

the other day, i was discussing with a friend how i've always had something to be sad about. i've always looked forward to the next chapter in my life. and i've ALWAYS looked backwards and thought "i really miss those days."

i'm working on pinpointing the parts of my life now that i'll miss later on. that i'll look back on and think "that was fun" or "why didn't i take advantage of that?" or "if only i could go back to that time." if i can identify them now, then i won't be disappointed later that i didn't fully appreciate what i had.

i won't feel like "i'll be happy when..." instead, i'm trying live my life with the mentality that "i'll be happy now."

so i picked up my lazy ass and went on a night hike with some friends. and it was freezing and not totally worth the drive, but it was adventurous and it obviously beats jersey shore.