the thing about the jeans: an overly detailed explanation of the female psyche

did i ever tell you about my bra shopping experience?



well, it's no secret that i'm..... well endowed. overly well endowed. in fact, ever since the nickname "deedee" (for double d) was assigned to me in jr high, i have wanted nothing more than to unendow myself.

through jr high, most of high school, and through my first few years of college, i wore - not one, but two - sports bras. only sports bras. i was trying to hide myself, convince everyone i had a normal physique, when really i was just mushing everything together, creating what my mother so lovingly calls "the uni-boob" and having perpetual peeking-bra-strap syndrome.

and, you know, for the past 9 months-ish, i've been going through this "accept yourself for who you are, embrace your exceeding qualities in order to healthily recognize and work through the flaws" blah blah.

so one day i said to myself "the boob denial stops today." and i waltzed into victoria's secret and bought two bras. i didn't skimp on the size so the tag doesn't give me away, either. i bought two real-life, actual sized bras. and i look damn good in them! i just realized that this is who i am, this is what i've got, and i better just work with it.

and listen. buying bras was hard. but it wasn't half as hard as buying jeans.

i haven't owned a pair of jeans in more than 3 years. something about buying jeans makes me feel....... for lack of more eloquent term, fat.

and i've spent most of my life feeling fat.

a lot of it is because my parents spent most of their lives feeling fat. they were always on this diet, or that work out regime. i spent a lot of my childhood in the playroom at 24 hour fitness. i still remember my friend, britney, who also had a mom who thought she was fat. we liked to play in the ball pit together.

and from a young age, i was taught that your body isn't good enough without a lot of effort. i was put on bets that i couldn't go a month without sugar. i was only allowed to get my nails done or play soccer if i ran a mile a morning for 6 months. once, my dad even told me my PJ's were looking snug. i was nine.

and it's not my parents fault, of course. but it's been more difficult for me to learn how to love myself, because my parents didn't love themselves. my mom is one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen, and my dad is so incredibly smart. but they both have a hard time seeing it because they are so stuck in this mindset of constant self-improvement.

 i've realized that i want to work now to develop healthy habits for a healthy body, and more importantly, a healthy self-image. because i don't want my daughter to see me looking painfully in the mirror, skipping meals, or working out for hours on end. i want her to see me happy, healthy, loving myself, and loving my kids. if i already know how to keep myself healthy, my kids will see it as a way of life, not a goal. and they'll understand that self-acceptance is the first and most important step in having a healthy lifestyle.

so, anyway, i bought a pair of jeans. i usually try on a pair or two and break down because the tag doesn't have the size i wanted, and throw them back onto the shelf and slip back into my one-size-fits-all leggings. but this time, i grabbed a pair that would fit, tried them on, and bought them.

and you know what i did two days later?

bought another pair.

i love them! i look damn good, and you can't see through to my underwear all the time. imagine that.

so bra shopping, jean buying, these seem inconsequential to the greater purpose of my life, but i'm doing it for myself and for my kids.

i'm accepting and loving me for myself. and for my kids.