winter blues

it's winter, did you know?

i'm sitting on my couch wearing a heavy cardigan and thick, wool socks; there are twinkle lights lining my front window; fat, dusty flakes are falling just outside; and i have a heart that's aching for home.

this is the second winter in my whole life that i'll be living away from home. and the first winter away from home, i still found myself home once a week, and was packed up to go home for the holiday by december twelfth.

this year, i'm living alone. i'll have my own tree. my own lights. my own hot cocoa.

it's kind of a silly thing to be complaining about, isn't it? independence? freedom and adulthood?

it's just that, i grew up twenty-five minutes from here, but somehow my whole family is living an entire state away. i can't go home for family nights to decorate the tree, or make gingerbread cookies after sunday dinner, or watch elf for the twenty millionth time. i can't get endless hugs from daniel or have wrestling matches with sam or talk until 3 am with my sister. i am always longing for my father's advice and my mother's sense of humor.

a few days ago, when it snowed, like really snowed for the first time, i felt nostalgic. and i thought i was romantically nostalgic, like maybe i should have a boyfriend when it's so beautiful outside. but i now realize that the weather makes me nostalgic for family, for home. past, present, and especially future.

it's the weirdest feeling ever, this longing that i have for my future family. my heart aches to be in love, my legs ache to set off on life's journey, my arms ache to scoop up my babies and kiss their sweet faces until they're fast asleep. i know i'm young, and i'm just being silly, but i just know that it's out there for me and.... i just... miss it. can you miss something you've yet to know?

anyway. i'm missing my family. and my traditions. and my future life.

winter is awfully beautiful, and awfully, awfully lonely.