when there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire

today, i asked my sister how she felt about some boys from her past.
and she said fine, i've moved on to bigger and better.
and i jokingly said, named?
and she laughed and said, named self-respect.



and i.... cried.


because, that's what i've been saying to myself and everyone else for the last 9 months.
you only really ever move on once you've accepted yourself and learned to love who you are, etc etc.


you've heard all this from me before.


but.... lately, i've forgotten.
i've allowed myself to worry about money instead of be proud of my independence.
to let the emptiness of my apartment inspire loneliness instead of freedom.
to constantly worry about calories and  wear more makeup than is necessary and feel nauseous whenever i hear the name "shelby."

i'm letting myself slip back into a place of insecurity.
this is a place that i have worked so hard to get out of.
to realize that there's nothing wrong with me. i have flaws, yes. but it wasn't until i saw the good in myself that i could tackle the bad.

and bit by bit, my self-critical, self-loathing side has creeped it's way into the forefront of my mind.
and i've been so unhappy; not because of my current circumstance, but because i stopped working to love myself.

to respect myself.


and my sister not only reminded me of that today, but also showed me how much she's grown.
i'm happy for her to learn the things i've learned. and to apply them.

it's a sucky lesson to learn, but it really, really is the most important one.