chapter two

the scene:
 i'm sitting next to a boy on a motel bed after a very trying day of bitchy friends, dirty cities and hours upon hours of driving. after battling my anxiety all day, i turn to him and say "do you think i'm crazy?" and he says "no." fast forward an hour. the boy hovers his face a few inches above me, and then presses his lips to mine. it's warm and soft and not altogether titillating, but surprisingly enjoyable. fast forward twenty minutes. i stop him and say "how often are you expecting this to happen?" he fumbles over "uhs" and "don't knows" and "whenevers." i look at him sharply and say "this will never happen again."

 five months later.
 it is two weeks before valentines day. the heavy holidays are behind me, and i'm feeling hopelessly lost. i'm lost because i hate the person that i'm completely in love with, and i know that i can't be with him anymore. i want to leave him. everyday. i just don't know how.

three months later.
we're hugging. tightly. as if clinging to a lifeline. "i know i love you more than you love me" i say. "i love you more than i'll ever admit" he says. we're both crying, because we're so in love, and we can't understand why we feel so scared. i know now, we were falling out of love. that feeling of loving so much and being so afraid and so heartbroken when you're with them, it's the feeling of falling out of love. and it's worse than almost anything in this world.

two months later.
we hate each other. we see each other everyday, and we fight everyday, and we make love everyday, and we hate each other. i withdraw, he yells. we both run away, finding our own vices, our own escapes from one another. we develop habits and relationships that will soon be the downfall of our sanity and our souls. but we continue on because, while we hate each other, we can't let each other go.

one month later.
 i am staring at myself in the mirror. no longer sobbing. no longer caring. just feeling numb. this is the excuse i've been looking for for so long to just leave. and never, ever let myself fall back into the trap of loving the person i hate the most. and as the numbness starts to rise, i expect to feel hatred, anger, unrelenting pain. but i only feel... relief. freedom. i see a terrifyingly open future. no plans, no obligations. i can do what i want to do, be what i want to be.

and then i cry again, because i know i have to start over. i have to think for myself and feel for myself and choose for myself. i have to come to love someone all over again.
and i have to let them come to love me. and that's the hardest part, isn't it?

 six months later. present day. i'm happier than i've ever been. i know myself, i love myself. i have the things i need, and the patience to wait for the things i want. i take every day with strength, excitement, acceptance. i've made mistakes, of course. but they haven't been our mistakes. or our choices. they're mine. everything i have, everything i've done, it's been for me.

my life is finally mine.